Please listen to: ~*~Smile Empty Soul - With this knife~*~ while reading this (English!) text!
Hey, I think that just for once I need to write in English all the way through. In German I couldn't tell all the right way what I'm going to 'let you know', and if I'd keep it to myself, I'd probably get sick from these thoughts' pressure. Acutally, I suppose, I wouldn't really get sick, it's more likely I'd just fade, fade away, from life to death - to a self-chosen death. Yes, suicidal thoughts somewhat came back again. I got reminded of the fact that I once had them just yesterday, and - snap- here they come again...I never thought it'd be this easy for them, I thought of myself as stronger, actually. Humans are always so sure of themselves, now aren't they? Horrible. But good point to finally begin with it, the humans are. So, I'd like you to imagine one thing: You're a 14 year old girl, you finally gained some trust in yourself, got therapy because of your "little mental problems", are eventually content and happy with both your social life and lovelife - your whole life, as a matter of fact, seems to just have gotten nice and liveable, besides a few small, usual teen problems (the parents, mainly...God bless them!). Then there's this night. You're not in your bed, you're lying on the sleeping couch in your parent' house's livingroom. As a matter of fact, it's a two-person-couch, and because you suddenly feel quite very lonely and lack every human contact, you cover with just the thinner blanket and lay the other one next to you, hugging it, instead of your far-away-being partner. The light is switched on, you don't feel like sleeping, for the first time after long you all of a sudden have a lot on your mind. It's due to unknown reason, maybe because of the reminder of your suicidal phase, maybe for another reason. You don't really care anyway. For some a s well unknown reason, you begin to fell a little sad and the lonely feeling get's heavier as well. A positive effect on this feelings is there, too, it's the song you're just listening to. Somewhat depressive, maybe, but mainly one you listened to pretty often when feeling horribly down before. And then, when all of this things in your mind spin around and cause you uncomfortable awakeness, you make some decision really hard to you - you won't do the exchange, no matter how much you'd like to and no matter how much of a chance you'll miss. You just don't want to be with strangers for a whole year, knowing about your social problems, they would stay strangers all along. Then, with the force of a thunderstruck or lightning or whatsoever, this thought hits you, and the tears leave your eyes fast. You realize just how bad it already is, how much you totally mistrust and fear, really fear, every human being, female way too much already, but male even more. And you notice just how much you actually even mistrust all the people very close around you - your parents, the one person you call your true love, as well. Yes, you recognize, I deeply mistrust my closest relatives and my beloved boyfriend. There's just this one person I trust, don't ask me why, but I fully trust whom I'd call my best friend, even though he's male and all this. He never did me wrong, and why should he do so on future? Then again: Did my boy do anything? Never! Why would he do such a thing? The voice deep within answers: 'Cause he's human...'cause he's male, girl! DOn't you see it? He'll do you bad because he can! Because you'd let him do it, stupid love-blinded fool. And somewhere along all this thoughts, you incidentally see, 'something is back with me'. It's not only the heavy sadness, the depression, the sadness, the desperation, the loning for the sad music, the music of death, your song 'With this knife' by Smile Empty Soul; it's not the new awakened fear of life and of tomorrow's happenings, it's the fear you really just had during the worst time of your suicidal phase, this fear you just felt when you in your own opinion were oh-so-close to cutting: The incredible fear to touch your wrists. The fear, which had so deeply scared you for a short while in hell, the fear you thought was gone forever. And you know all of a sudden - you thought of yourself as much stronger, of your life as much better, af your mentality as much healthier than reality shows it to be. And to make you eventually broken down again right now, the question appears: Whose fault it might be? Yeah, could say it's the others' fault, my fear and all of this are based on experiences I had, and these were made possible so socially by others. But on the other hand, I could have changed every situation, or just've stayed strong, so it has to be my fualt, right? And the worst: One way or another, my fear is caused by past events, and what has happened already can't be undone or corrected, neither can it be influenced any more at all. So how am I to get away this fear? 'Cause I won't be able, I Won't want to live with this. So, do I just have to get rid of the life instead of the fear? After all, that might be my only available possibility. I guess that was said by somebody to me before: You'd miss all the good times if you'd do that! So, please: What are good times if they will anyway end again (too) soon to be followed by the terrible ones? Then, somebody else again: But what about the people around you, the ones you're important to? What would they go through if you'd do this? So, you think it's selfish to do it, or, let's name it, to commit suicide!? Well yeah, really selfish to escape if you can't take it anymore. Better to push yourself through life all hurt and dead inside, with the miling facade outside to keep your environment happy and 'the all-perfectly-good world'? Well, wouldn't that need a selfish environment to want you to do this to yourself? Sarcastic life this is...But, actually, the environment thing. Who'd care at all? My parents: Father - not seen for two years - unlikely to care. Stepfather - maybe somewhat, but should I care? Didn't choose for him to be in my family. Mother - oh good hell, come on?! Guess she'd care, but dude that would just show her! My thank you for the 'special treatment'! Or as to say: What goes around, comes around. Now, who else? Nobody from family, I guess. No close enough contacts available. Next sector: Friends. You've got to be kidding me? I don't have much of those. Maybe some people'd say something along the lines of "Oh, Vanessa died, not nice" yeah, and that's that, thanks to those giving flowers...Left are just two people, and I think they maybe would care. One is a close friend of mine, this one who has my trust. He always kept me away from the suicide stuff, he listens and, as said, got my trust (congrats, actually, on that one!). And the other one, my boyfriend, who I thnik seriously loves me as much as I love him. And if he wouldn't care, nobody would. Wow, would that be much of a surprise. Ha, ha. I'm so funny sometimes. Yeah, I can't imagine someone depressed telling a good joke. Good, really good actors, maybe, though. Oh, I allow myself to add myself to them. Ever seen me on a depressed occassion? No? Bet you have, just I covered it up as always. Not even because I want to, mainly plain 'because it happens'-stuff. But whatever, back to topic. Because I think those two might care, I'm still here writing right now, possibly. If I'd think nobody as in zero people cares, I'd maybe be dead for quite some time, who knows if it might not even be years already?! But even when there was nobody who I thought of as caring, I survived. This summer, that is. I need more people to call friends so I always know that there'll ever be someone caring? Fuck ya whoever, haven't really read my text, now have you? I repeat: I fear humans, males especially, but all humans still. Oh, by the way, and around girls, I often don't feel too well. Sad,sad. And getting friends when being the trustless loner isn't the easiest of things, of course. So what was your idea again? Damn, I just handwrote almost fove pages, just because I'm temporary down. And just now it's around a quarter to three in the night, I still feel fucking lonely, maybe until Thursday still will, plus nobody will read this seeing as if my so-called friends don't have the time to read my stuff on my homepage and I won't post it on other ways. Still will do on my homepage. You read this all the way through and you're one I'd call a friend? I'm sorry, really, but don't forget I'm mentally sick....Bad luck to you! Semms to me good mood is coming back slowly, but if I'll stop writing I'll for sure cry some more and hug my blanket. Damn, I really need this human contact thing, the stuff about touch and so on...corporal closeness? Just a try to translate it. Still, I don't know what mood I'll be in when posting this. Maybe down some still, maybe fucked, maybe happy again. Shit, sunday => fishing - boyfriend and his best friend. Means I'll not like the day, probably, since I already tend to hate calling my hun (or being called by him) when he's with that guy - might be bad mood much. But whatsoever, even this girl needs time to sleep, so time for this one, final question: Why does it make me feel so safe, to feel the tears run down my face, to feel the wet roll over my skin, to know I cry and want to die....don't you feel sure when, you are used to something? And one more left I noticed: Why do I depress myself by listening to music I know will bring me down or break me when down already? Is it this used to something <-> like something stuff again? Sad, but tru, I guess it is. Now let's end this, time to cry any sleep. I'm looking forward to Christmas (What the fuck?!)
PS: I will not kill myself, I do not want to hurt the ones I love by purposely simply fading away. I love you! And the same I need to say about the one I trust. You reminded me, actually. Nice one there...
Holy shit, this text I wrote last night from heart to paper, it's almost seven pages handwritten in my nicest writing (part of it, at least). And it took me oretty long, I suppose....finished 3:02. Oh, and I wasn't listening to my saddest song (With this knife) at all, I listen to this now, but the night I was listening to Bushido's "Denk an mich", reminder of the all-lonely Ann-Kathrin crisis. Forgotten stuff, fortunaltely. And I'll put this as extra page instead of normal entry on the first page. Way too long, way too important. And unread it will remain, no matter where.